


Marupa

by abriata



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-20
Updated: 2011-02-20
Packaged: 2017-10-15 19:47:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abriata/pseuds/abriata
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>UST!fic. The requisite (trite) gay-boy-straight-boy hookup story. Also includes Acrasia, retelling in alternate POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Marupa

Adam is generally a resilient person. When he comes inside after Brad leaves, the marks on his skin don't bother him. Nor do the comments.

"What bit you?" Anoop asks, smirking.

Adam raises his eyebrows. "Hey, he's good with his teeth."

Anoop makes a face and backs determinedly away.

The next people he runs into are Danny and Allison, playing some obscure card game in a couple of the chairs scattered in the hallways. Allison just breaks into giggles and averts her eyes, and Adam thinks fondly that he misses being a teenager. Danny whispers something to Allison, and she flushes. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Adam wanders past.

He strips off his shirt as soon as he's through the bedroom door. Kris, his back to him, asks how his swim went. Adam shrugs and goes to grab clothes. "Fine. I'm going to take a shower."

Kris turns and pauses, eyes wide and smile slightly awkward. "Um, looks like it went more than fine."

Adam looks down at himself, though he knows what Kris sees. He sort-of smiles and says, "Nah, it was just okay."

Kris looks as if he's slightly sickened, and winces a little. Then he edges around to the door. "Too much info, man."

Adam covers his skin with makeup as soon as he gets out of the shower, never mind that the stylists will make sure nothing shows on camera.

\---

When Adam comes down to dinner mostly everyone is gathered together already, giddy with Matt's continuing presence, if only for one more week. They're all together for one more week. Matt and Danny are arguing over what movie to watch. And Kris won't look at him. Allison sees him and her eyes focus again on his neck; Adam reconsiders the lack of makeup. He skips the food, grabs a soda, wishes it was something stronger. He goes and sprawls out on the couch, kicking at Matt as he tries to shove him off.

"You can't take the whole damn couch!"

Adam feigns a yawn and mumbles, "I'l share. Just not with you." When Matt continues to swat at his feet he adds, "And I'm tired."

He rethinks his ploy when Matt smirks and looks at him slyly. "Yeah, I heard. So, did you two actually do it _in_ the pool? Cause if so, that's cool and all, but they're gonna need to drain it before I get in again."

Adam grins. "Fuck you."

"Is that a yes, then?"

"No, it's not. We were _beside_ the pool."

Allison giggles again, and Adam sort of wishes she'd stop doing that.

"You know, I'm kinda glad you--"

"Picked a movie yet?" Kris interrupts shamelessly, and Adam watches as he searches for a place to sit that's not on the floor. "There should totally be more seats in here."

Matt shushes him as they put the movie in, and Lil offers, "Adam said he'd share. Make him move."

When Kris eyes along his legs, Adam considers making a crack about the likelihood of Kris overpowering him, but he doesn't. When Kris finally reaches his eyes, Adam smiles slowly and curls in to make room.

\---

They've been spread out in their respective beds for almost an hour now, and Adam thinks Kris is asleep. Knows he is, in fact, because he's begun to make the sleepy half-words people do when they're dreaming. Adam rolls over and watches as Kris jerks suddenly then goes rigid. "Adam?"

He considers not answering; the sleepy tone rings loud in the stillness.

"Yeah?" He winces as his own voice comes out rough and low. He thinks he can see Kris yawn at him across the room, vulnerable with weariness and a half-frightened remembrance.

"Do you never sleep?"

Adam feels his eyes go wide. "Generally, yeah."

"Oh, um." Kris is quiet. Then, "You're just always awake when I look at you at night."

Adam knows Kris wouldn't have said that if he were fully awake and not covered safe by the dark and the whispers. "Yeah, well, you're usually the reason I've woken up, so--yeah." He didn't mean to sound so brittle and sharp.

Kris is making a quick noise, low in his throat, and then he apologizes and rolls towards the wall. Away from Adam.

Adam sighs and sits up. "It's not your fault, Kris. I wake up easy."

He gets no reply -- just faked breaths meant to tell him his roommate is asleep. Sighing again, more heavily, he stumbles to sit on the edge of Kris' bed. "What'd you dream about?"

Kris huffs. "Nothing. Just, just nothing. The falling off a cliff thing, you know?"

Adam watches as his hand reaches down and tugs at short dark hair, turning Kris onto his back, forcing him to look up at him. Kris blinks, slow and heavy, and his eyes don't open for long seconds. Adam wants to kiss the dark shadows on skin. He clears his throat, the sound loud and sudden. "I feel like I should apologize for earlier today." And the words shatter the peaceful quiet more than any noise could. They both know Adam doesn't apologize for who he is. Kris is tense, and Adam wants to move away, out of personal, dangerous space. Kris breathes out, relaxes. Smiles up at him.

"No, my fault. I don't know why I freaked." He nudges his head against Adam's hip, playfully. "I think it was one of those things you just don't expect to see, like your parents making out or something."

"I remind you of your parents?" Adam overdoes the disbelief and offense in his voice; he knows he should find this funny.

Kris laughs, shakes his head, yawns. "Hey, I'm--" Another yawn, persistent. Adam knows Kris is fading. He moves away, quietly, and then-- "Thanks."

He doesn't know what he's being thanked for. He doesn't ask, because it doesn't matter.

\---

They wake the next morning to the alarm's screams. As always, Kris rolls over and swats at it. As always, Adam pulls it out of his reach before he can deal permanent damage. he goes to take a shower, looking back at Kris, sprawled out and looking for all the world as if he's already back asleep.

As he steps gingerly into the quickly-warming shower (he knows somebody must've already taken one this morning) he scrubs his hands over his face. He's so _tired_.

Adam soaps and scrubs, reluctant to spend the energy when all he wants is to sleep for a month. He leans against the shower wall, trailing his hand lazily down his body. Eyes unfocused, he stares through the hazy glass door. He breathes through his teeth as his hand wraps around his half-hard cock, stroking familiar and lazy. He has dozens of memories, fantasies, moments to live out in his head for times like these, but the innocent image of Kris, head against his hip, is burning in his mind, and he refuses to make noise as his hand speeds, stroking rough and slick form root to tip, across the head once, twice, and he forces a groan to cut off, strangled in his throat. He's loud, normally, shameless and uninhibited and delighting in the filth and pleasure of every encounter with a lover.

But masturbating to thoughts of one he's never had permission to touch is foreign, hollow, and as he grips tighter, tighter and twists, it feels just a little bit like rape.

\---

He wakes Kris as he's leaving, done dressing and grooming and brooding, and he heads down to find breakfast, blinking away bleary brown eyes.

They're choosing their next songs today, and are given lists and tasks and goals that Adam will disregard entirely, and when they go to the practice rooms, Kris is unavoidable. So Adam grabs Allison, grabs and clings, because Allison is young and soft and _safe_.

\---

It's dinner time again, and Adam knows the marks on his body are fading, so he doesn't know why he feels eyes on them, pressing deep into his skin until he's flushing; he can feel his pulse in his head. He turns to Kris and Kris turns away.

And then it's late at night, and they all want to practice, the threat of overusing their voices warring with nerves and desires to excel until they're all of them bundles of tension. There'll be no movie tonight. Adam knows he's suffocating and he goes out to the pool, pacing up and down every edge until he has the dimensions embedded in his memory, and then he closes his eyes and paces blind.

"You know, people generally watch where they walk when around pools. You'll hit your head and give one of us an actual chance at winning if you're not careful." Kris' voice is wary, quiet; Adam wonders how long he's been watching.

"Oh, I'd have to do more than hit my head for that." Adam knows he should smile with the joke, but he keeps his eyes closed and also knows that two steps to the right would bring him into the water.

"Are you okay?" Kris isn't any closer, and for that Adam is grateful. He doesn't answer, just breathes deep -- he can smell Kris in the still night air -- and turns his face towards the pool. Two quick footsteps, and Kris is at his side, hand flitting over his shoulder. "Seriously, man. Is it just needing space? Cause if it is, I get it, we all do, really. We're all holed up in these--"

"If you think I need space, why'd you come out to hover?"

Kris is silent, breathing steady, and Adam knows he'll retreat. Knows he didn't deserve the biting or sneering voice, either. But mistreatment of Kris seems to be becoming a habit. He turns his head and opens his eyes, but the apology won't come out as he's struck by how easy it would be to grab Kris, to bring him close and in, tight against Adam and his whims. He's silent as he turns all efforts to fighting back impulses and reviving morals.

Something in his face communicates itself to Kris, because he steps back, hesitates, then holds his hands up soothingly. "Hey, whatever, it's okay Adam, yeah?" He doesn't wait for an answer. "Come in when you're ready? I'm not too good with advice, usually," his self-deprecating laugh is tentative, and Adam hates himself a little. "But I'll listen if you want, and I can try to help?"

Adam makes himself nod, stiff and formal, but it's enough as Kris moves back inside.

\---

He lays on his back, looking up at the sky. It's bright enough there are no stars; just a grey-red haze where the lights of the city conceal the sky. He's seen the stars, but he's a city boy; they weren't a common experience. For the first time, he wishes California was dark. The lights meant an endless supply of entertainment, people, _life_ going on for miles around them, but it is life they are cut off from, as they exist in their televised bubble. Adam misses, suddenly, the frenetic energy devoted each and every night to settle on one activity, or do all of them at once. Misses people who aren't from completely different walks of life, who don't all act their age but so, so young. Mostly, he misses the feeling of belonging, and he hates that it feels like his world is being stripped from him when he's in the middle of the very city he grew up in. He focuses on his breathing, hears his heart beat in his ears. Wishes he could hear the ocean or the beat of the clubs. All he hears are bugs, the distant roar of cars on highways and streets and in parking lots, and the noise of a million or more people trying to quiet themselves for an imagined peace. The house behind him makes a flurry of noise, windows opening and shutting, familiar voices calling goodnight to one another. He imagines he can hear them hugging too, slapping shoulders and touching, comforting, encouraging, all abstract intentions given form by wishful thinking and stress. A door opens and shuts, and everything goes not-quite-silent again. He doesn't turn to look: he doesn't want to know who it is. He could not deal with Kris right now, not without destroying his own intentions, and anyone else is an unwitting antagonist.

"Kris thinks you're mad at him. At all of us." It's Matt, no-nonsense and perfectly willing to ignore the glare Adam directs off into the distance when he sits next to him, then lowers himself to his stomach. He's looking at Adam's profile, not curious, not kind; intrusive. Unapologetically, he continues, "I think that's shit. You're not mad at anyone. You've just got issues."

Adam can't help the snort he lets out. It was surprise, but he turns it derisive, peers at Matt from the side of his eyes and sneers. "So, if I've got issues, the best thing to do is provoke me?"

Matt laughs; actually _laughs_. "Maybe not, but it's gotta be fun. And hey, I'm not worried about you. You'll deal. Everyone does. I'm just here to tell you that whatever it is, you can't take it out on the rest of us."

Adam stays quiet. He's been avoiding everyone, keeping himself from affecting them. Matt has no clue what he's talking about.

"See, that right there. You get all high an' mighty, withdrawing and sulking and shit. You're with us all the time, and then all of a sudden you're not? Not the best way to keep us from noticing something's wrong.

You need to get over it, whatever it is. Kris thinks it's cause of yesterday, cause of how we all acted. Which is why I think it's shit, the idea that you're mad at us, because you've screwed around with people and gotten looks for it before, I guarantee it. Every teenager does. And Allison's scared out of her fucking mind, the way you attached to her today. She's sixteen; she has no clue why someone a decade older than her is hanging over her, especially when he doesn't even like girls."

Adam feels his mouth curve into a smile. He knows it's not a pretty one, but Matt takes it as a sign of encouragement.

"Oh, you vindictive bastard. Some poor little girl's fear shouldn't cheer you up." Adam suppresses laughter, shakes with it.

"I'd think it be more weird if I did like girls and was hanging on her." Adam knows he's smiling openly, and the pressure inside him loosens as he imagines Allison's over-expressive eyes, wide in shock and faked disgust.

Matt snorts. "Not really. Then she'd know what to do with it. Maybe. Well, actually, I don't think we would've let you hang on her all day if you did like girls, so that makes the point moot, but you get the basic idea."

"There was an idea behind all this?"

Matt's hand slams into his stomach, hard. When his breath leaves him in a rush he rolls, grabs Matt's ankle in time to keep him from darting away. Almost manages to throw him in the pool, gets kicked (gently) in the side in retaliation. "Yeah, jackass, the point is that we want you to be back to normal, like _this_ ," and he doesn't manage to avoid Adam's tugging, and he trips into the pool. Adam's on his feet, laughing, and Matt sputters up, sodden and unhappy. " _Bitch_."

"Hey, you're the one who wanted me." Adam doesn't keep the leer off his face.

Matt looks ill. "Oh, you _wish_ , Lambert. The only one who wants you is the one who left those cute little love bites all over you yesterday."

Adam grows quiet for a moment, helps Matt out of the pool. "Not really, no. Well, yes, but--" He's quiet again. "Well, him and a couple million fans."

The wet man splutters, wiping water off his face. "Only you would bring up nameless faces to boost your ego when we're having a touching heart-to-heart. Shameful, really."

Laughing, Adam doesn't protest as Matt's hands come to his shoulders. Doesn't protest until he's pushed into the water. He knows it's only fair, and he lets his revenge be limited to spitting water into Matt's face when the younger man jumps in after him.

\---

He sneaks into the house quietly, wincing as he slides across the slick dry floors. He knows he'll have hell to pay for his clothes, but he almost wants to kiss Matt when they part at the foot of the stairs. Tries, actually, and Matt dodges away, laughing, calling him a fag, affectionately, and then hugging him, mindless of their wet clothes and the fact that he's just ruined his image. Adam plods up the stairs as quietly as he can, goes into his room where Kris is already buried under the covers, and undresses in the half-light from the cracked bathroom door. He slides into a dry pair of boxers, thinking wistfully of his own apartment where he sleeps unabashedly naked, and sits on the edge of his bed after putting his wet clothes into the bathroom. He looks over at Kris, whose eyes are closed tightly, and is caught between irritation that he's not awake to listen per his promise and frustration that he knows he wouldn't be able to explain anything to him even were he awake. Overlaying them both is the simple desire to curl around him and never let go.

Kris' eyes open, peer at him across the space between their beds, startlingly awake. "Hey?"

It's a gentle question; a testing of the waters. Suddenly, Adam is sick of himself, and he reminds himself to thank Matt in the morning for the metaphorical smack upside the head. He smiles, bright and free, and it doesn't feel as much like a mask anymore. "Hey. Did I wake you up, beauty?"

Kris smiles, looking happy if not a little unsure. "No. I was just waiting for you."

He moves to sit up, but Adam beats him to it, curling his legs under him and propping his chin on the edge of Kris' bed, almost too comfortably close. "Okay, cool, cause I have some awesome gossip."

Kris moves his head back a little; his eyes are unfocused enough that Adam knows he was fibbing about not being asleep. He was, if only for a little while. "Um, that's good? Only--"

Adam talks over him, knows that it's night and nights mean whispers, but he's energetic and happy, again, and it's only been two days but he misses the feeling. "See, Matt's in love with me."

Kris lets out a noise best categorized as a squawk, and then laughs, breathless and surprised. "Really? Are you sure? I know you think you're irresistible, but--"

Something in his voice actually sounds uncertain, and Adam feels wickedly amused. His eyebrows curve delightedly, and he raises his voice into a more feminine register. "Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, he _hugged_ me. That counts for something, right? It's gotta be true love."

Kris laughs again, freely, and Adam feels more pleased with himself than he has all week. "You're so not right." He's playing along, overdoing disbelief and jealousy. "I mean, I thought he was into me. He's _always_ touching me."

Adam grins, calms, pets his hand along Kris' shoulder and through his hair, pleased when he doesn't shrink away. He ignores the reminder in his head that tells him that Kris has _never_ pulled away. "Anyway, I'm sorry I've made you all worry." He knows probably the most obvious characteristic of his sexuality is his willingness to apologize.

Kris snuffles into his pillow, breathes deep, lets out a sigh. "It's okay. You're okay. Just, can I ask, what was it, I mean, why were you so whatever?"

Adam smiles, sweet and clear, and Kris peers at him. "You're laughing at me. Just answer the question, jerk."

"It was just me. Being me. I normally distract myself when it happens, and I can't do that here. And I was moping about something, but I've just given up and accepted things."

"Going with the flow, huh? That's good, always works for me." Kris is smiling, and Adam surprises them both when he yawns. "I think you're actually going to sleep for once, aren't you? Amazing."

Adam huffs, and Kris turns his head away from the flow of air, making a face. It turns his cheek into Adam's hand, still cupping his head. "Dude. Your breath? Not good."

Feigning injured hopefulness, Adam tugs gently at Kris' hair as he withdraws his hand, sits back on his heels. "Does that mean I don't get a goodnight kiss?"

He goes to stand up, but is pulled off balance when Kris tugs him over and rises up, kissing him loudly and smacking on his cheek. "Don't push your luck, sleepy head. Now brush your teeth and go to bed."

"Goodnight, goodnight, dear Miss Clavel." Adam backs away, towards the bathroom, fighting the urge to touch his cheek. He's not _that_ gay, thanks ever so much.

Kris rolls onto his back, preparing to sleep for real now, but gives him a look. "You're a bit old for kids' books, don't you think? And I'm not a woman, in case you hadn't noticed."

Eyes rove over his face, shoulders, and chest, and Adam is gratified to see Kris flush. "Okay, you don't have to _check_."

"Oh, I know. Believe me, if you were a girl, I'd be horrified with all the ways you come on to me." Adam closes the bathroom door, and Kris sighs and buries his face in his pillows.

\---

He wakes up only once during the night, and it's to hear Kris mumbling quietly to himself. He shushes him, hums low in his throat, and is relieved when Kris settles without waking. He watches him affectionately until he slips under into dreams as well, and thinks that he really can content himself with hope and moments like this.

\---

In the morning, Kris shakes him awake. He's not gentle, and Adam grumbles at him that he needs to be taught how to politely disturb people. Kris actually looks concerned, a little, and Adam realizes abruptly that he's up about two hours later than he normally is.

"Oh, thank god. I was beginning to think you weren't going to wake up at all. I'd have thought you'd died during the night if it weren't for how you kept hitting me."

Adam smiles, rolls over, sits up. Doesn't see a clock. "Kris, what time is it?"

Kris looks guilty. "Um, they're carting us off in about twenty minutes. And we have to try to get a new clock."

He'd laugh, but Adam only has twenty minutes to do everything he normally takes hours for in the morning. He throws back the covers, panicking, but Kris stands close, puts his hands on his shoulders and smiles reassuringly. "I'll get you food, yeah? You can eat on the way."

Adam smiles up at him, presses his hands against his sides, spanning his ribs, feeling Kris breathe. Then, "I still have to do all my other shit." And he grabs clothes as quickly as he can.

Kris calls after him as the bathroom door shuts, "Can't you just do without some of it for one day?" And snickers at the indignant yelp that he gets in reply.

\---

He tramples down the stairs, shoving the last earring into the appropriate spot, and sees that everyone's waiting for him in the front hallway. "Sorry. I'm running behind."

They all look taken aback for a moment; he's obviously not ready, hair wet and sticking up, skin makeup free and a barely matching outfit. The coordinators, shoving them all out the door to the waiting vehicles, make disapproving noises. Everyone smiles at him, and he knows he's back to normal when their hands all over him are comforting as they should be. He ends up in a car with Kris, Allison and Matt, and Matt slings an arm over his shoulders as he embarks on the perilous journey of cosmetic applications on Hollywood streets. He shrugs him off, and Matt pokes at his side, musses his hair.

"See! I fucking told you!" Vindicated, Adam looks at Kris. Kris snorts, tries not to laugh, and ignores Matt and Allison when they demand to know what the hell he's talking about, or has he just gone off? He hands Adam food, and he shoves it into his mouth, delighting in the disgusted noises Allison and Kris make at his manners, and overly responsive to Matt's egging him on.

\---

When they first get a moment away from Kris and Allison, Adam pulls Matt aside. "Hey, man, I wanted to thank you."

Matt looks at him askance. "I have no idea what you're on about."

Adam makes a face, starts over. "I was being an ass. Thanks for pointing it out."

Matt laughs, slaps him on the shoulder, hard, trying to bruise. "You're very welcome. Always happy to insult people."

Adam returns the sentiment, slapping his ass, and Matt runs yipping to Lil, complaining about abuse and molestation.

\---

They're all exhausted when they get back to the house, tired and happy and wrapped up in each other in a group that's loud and comforting, and almost, _almost_ home now. Adam can't imagine making it through the Idol competition without having each other; each one draws attention in bright flares like fireworks, and the after-images of the light leaves all of them blinded and happy and undeniably altered. Every one of them is so significant to the world they're in; and they settle against each other like a big pile of puppies, exhausted and with no remaining concept of personal space. He has Kris' head on his stomach, and they kick at Anoop together until he concedes defeat and gets up to turn the T.V. onto a show they all hate, since they can't find a show they all like.

 

Kris drops off to sleep, unsurprisingly, and Adam doesn't realize he's stroking his hair until Matt looks at them, and Allison wants to take a picture. He can't say no, she's so enthusiastic and remarkable, and he compromises by making her promise to leave the flash off so she won't wake his roommate. She says the picture won't be as good, and he says Kris will wake up if it flashes, and he doesn't want his picture taken anyway, so they're both unhappy and Lil is preaching about the virtues of compromise, so they do.

 

Adam knows he won't sleep; not in front of the television, though after the ridiculous amount last night he doesn't know if he will even later. He feels wide awake.

Danny concedes defeat to the pull of bed first, and whispers goodnight to them all as he goes up the stairs to sleep. He returns only a few minutes later in pajamas, and tells Matt to get his ass upstairs too, because Matt can't go to bed quietly to save his life and Danny doesn't want to be woken up later. Adam scratches his nails along Kris' scalp, and gets a sleepy murmur and a purr in return, so he does it again, and Allison leans her head on his shoulder and tells him, unthinkingly, "You two are adorable together."

 

Adam looks at her as best he can without moving and dislodging either of them, and is surprised that she doesn't seem to notice anything wrong with the closeness and the touching and the implications of her words, and doesn't have the heart to remind her that Kris is married, she's only sixteen, and they are not, despite appearances, all one big happy family. Instead, he tilts his head onto hers and listens as her breathing deepens and evens out. When the episode of the Survival rerun ends, Lil leans over to him, yawning. "I think it's bedtime for us all, babe." He doesn't object, even as she goes to wake Anoop and send him upstairs. He thinks of Megan, shepherding them around with more force and more noise, and misses her suddenly. Misses all of them.

 

Lil sees it when she comes back over, and before waking Allison she pets his hair, kisses his nose like a child. "We're all okay, silly. There's no reason to get all mopey. Cheer up, go to sleep, have good dreams."

"It'll end."

She smiles at him, shakes her head. "No, babe. Not really. Even after the tour. Not really."

Adam leans his head onto Allison, breathes her in, and takes his hands from Kris' hair and slides it along Lil's shoulder and arm. Smiles thanks, and asks, "Do you want to take Allison? I'll get Kris," and he looks down at the brown head that rises and falls with his every breath.

Lil nods, then leans forward and whispers into his ear, "It'll be okay, you know. Whatever happens with you, with him, with you and him. It'll be okay. We all love each other. And I'm rooting for you."

Adam looks at her in surprise, opens his mouth to ask a question, but she puts her finger to his lips and shakes Allison gently awake, coddling her like one of her daughters as she gathers her up for bed. Allison hugs him goodnight, fits her face into his shoulder, and he knows she's memorizing smell and texture. They all do it.

He turns off the TV, the cessation of noise, however quiet, a relief to tired ears. He pats gently at Kris' shoulder. "Hey, c'mon, wake up. We're going up to bed." He knows Kris is awake, knows he's nuzzling deliberately into his stomach when he rolls over. Adam's thankful he's not ticklish, because he doesn't want to squirm away from the warm breath.

"I could just sleep here."

Adam laughs, and Kris' head moves, and Kris makes a noise of irritation and swats him on the thigh. "No, you can't sleep here. Here is _on me_ , and I'm not sleeping here. So nope, sorry." And he really is.

\---

He doesn't wake up that night.

\---

The next morning he has to hunt down his cellphone when the alarm he sets goes off, and Kris grumbles and is completely awake by the time he gets it switched off.

"I can't believe you get up this fucking early. You don't even end up looking that pretty from all the effort."

Adam laughs, flips him off, and tells him he'll wake him back up in time for breakfast.

He's happy that morning in the shower, comfortable and not rushed and calm, but he refuses to touch himself, and when he comes out Kris is curled up on his side, asleep again. He sets the right alarm and leaves his phone by his head.

\---

Kris tramples down the stairs, louder than usual. He hops into the room, and the problem becomes evident as he struggles to keep on one of his shoes that the lace has broken off of. Adam laughs, and Allison sympathizes, and Lil goes upstairs and comes back down, producing a shoelace, Danny, and Matt. They all praise her preparedness, and Matt swears at them, and Danny complains about the lack of eggs for breakfast.

Adam meets Lil's eyes and smiles.

\---

They rehearse all morning, getting nervous and alternately soothing one another as they practice, knowing two of them will be going home, in spite of their best efforts, and wishing desperately -- or at least Adam does -- that time would pause forever.

That afternoon is a photo shoot and interviews -- Kris' least favorite activities. Adam loves them, and the others tease him mercilessly as they head over to the douche bag photographer's studio.

"Allen! Look at the fucking camera!" Kris is flushing, embarrassed and angry, and the photographer and crew can't get him to look sexy, or cute, or even normal. Every time they take a picture it's like Kris has made an awful face, deliberately and repetitively, and they lecture him as such. Now he's just sulking, looking down and away and blinking as if the lights are hurting his eyes.

Allison and Lil and Anoop are done, gone back to the house, and Danny is with one of the understudy photographers, who will do Matt too, so that if the pictures turn out okay they can just use those instead of waiting for the guy with Kris to finish all of theirs.

"Allen!" Kris has had enough. He stands, walks off. Gets yelled at, sworn at, ducks his head and looks like he wants to hide.

Adam wishes he could help, wishes he could take the pictures for him, but he knows he can't but he also can't watch this anymore. He grabs Kris by the arm, pulls him gently and resolutely over to the photographer. "Hey, can we try something?"

The photographer glares, sighs, looks as if he's reconsidering his career path. "What?"

Adam smiles, charming, and slides his hand across Kris' back, feeling him lean in a small fraction and relax even more. "Can you try to take pictures of us together? I know you need solo pictures, but could you like, remove me? So long as we don't touch, it shouldn't screw anything up, right?"

The photographer screws up his face, and Adam knows he's calculating the extra editing work against the reward of being done with Kris for one more week. Adam tries again. "Could we even maybe get both of us done? Like, take our picture together, edit him out of mine and me out of his?"

That seals the deal, and the photographer motions them over to the front of the screen. They're told to stay there and then ignored as lights and space are adjusted for the both of them.

"Adam!" Kris is hissing at him. "What gave you this brilliant idea?"

Adam smiles winningly. "Some of my miraculous talent will ooze into you and you'll be done soon."

Kris doesn't laugh. "No, more like some of my awkwardness will affect you and we'll both end up having to take them separately anyway!"

Adam nudges him playfully. "Just more time in front of the camera, then. What's to lose?" And he looks at Kris, tries to get him to agree, and smiles gleefully when he nods reluctantly and turns to face the cameras.

"Allen! Lambert! Lean back, towards the screen. Do not touch each other, but lean to the middle together!"

Adam does, focusing on Kris' unsteady breathing beside him and letting his face relax into a smile.

"Allen!"

Adam sighs. "Okay, that's it. Kris, give me your hand." And he tugs him, stands behind, not touching but close, and breathes into his ear, "Think of your wife. Think of her, the first time you kissed her, the first time you got to touch her. The trembling, desperate want. Remember that, and let your eyes unfocus. Don't look at the camera, it freaks you out, apparently. I'm going to be standing next to you, and I've got your hand, so focus on my breathing. Whenever I squeeze your hand, move however I tell you to and that way you don't have to worry about listening to their directions, okay?"

"Lambert! Christ, get fucking off each other. We need to be done today, please!"

Adam moves to his spot, keeping a loose grip on Kris' hand. "Sorry, dude. Just, tell us what you want, okay? Happy, whatever. That sort of shit."

The photographer rolls his eyes. "Is it too much to ask for something with a little bit of sex appeal? He's like a fucking choirboy. No porn at all." Adam wants to laugh, but he feels Kris beginning to tense again beside him, and he squeezes his hand.

"Think about what I told you. Better yet, think of the dirtiest fantasy you've ever had, okay?"

Kris blushes, turns and meets his eyes. Adam vaguely hears the clicking of the cameras and wants to punch someone, because Kris is looking at him soft and wanting, and he doesn't know the cameras are there because he's open and relaxed and focused on Adam.

"Move your shoulders, turn your heads sideways, so we get more of your profiles." The photographer isn't yelling, for once--he's hushed as if he knows they shouldn't be disturbed; Adam knows that they're moving lights and that Danny and Matt are off to the side, watching them. He doesn't care.

He squeezes again. "Kris?"

Kris smiles, almost dreamily, and tells him he heard him. Adam steps backward, turns almost sideways, and both their heads are turned and they're still looking at each other. Then, Kris blinks and he looks back at the camera, and he's smiling, happy and a little like he's got a secret, and before the expression can be lost the photographer takes the picture, preserving it.

"Thanks, guys." Adam thinks that's the happiest he's ever heard the jackass behind the camera sound, and he's furious that Kris' attention has been pulled away from him, even though he knows that Kris wasn't looking at him, not really. He gets a burst of courage and an idea.

"Hold on!" Everyone looks at him. He steps up behind Kris, slightly to the side, and curves both of his hands over his hips, feels Kris shudder and lean into him, shocked. And then Kris is turning to look at him and their faces are inches away and Adam is pressed the length of Kris' warmth, burning through their clothes, and neither of them is breathing and Adam knows this because Kris finally steps away and breathes in and it's a gasp and Adam knows there were a million pictures taken right then and Adam knows he overstepped his boundaries and Matt is looking at him as if the world's about to end and he doesn't know what to do about it and Adam can't regret any of it because there's Kris over to the side and he's flushed but it's not with embarrassment and there are pictures that Adam will have for as long as he wants them and Adam really can't regret any of it.

\---

Matt grabs him before they get in the car to go back to the house -- Kris is already in, pressed against the window, hiding and confused, Danny talking about everything and nothing, and Adam doesn't know if he's that oblivious or if he's smart enough to pretend he is, and it doesn't matter, because the last thing Adam thinks Kris needs right now is questions and suspicions and expectations -- and Matt is furious with him. "What the fuck was that?" It would be a yell if it weren't a hiss.

"That?" Adam smirks, and it's wicked and dirty and not very nice at all. "That was my issue."

And Matt looks at him as if the sun just came up, knowledge dawning, and Adam waits to see disgust or pity, but instead the anger melts away, and there's a little bit of awe and a lot of amusement. "Dude, is that all?"

Adam wants to smack him when he won't tell him why it's not a big deal.

\---

They get back and Kris is out of the car and away before any of them can say a word -- Danny talked the whole way home (not home, home is elsewhere, home is outside) and Adam's still thankful, but -- and Kris is gone, and Matt is dragging him over to Lil and Allison is veering off after Kris and Adam thinks this is an intervention.

He's pushed into a chair and told by a stern Lil to stay put, and then they go off and whisper to each other. Adam wants to laugh as he remembers high school, but then he remembers Allison's in high school still and she's with Kris right now and Kris is gone somewhere, upset, and he's royally fucked. Up.

"Oh, so you just got it, did you?" Matt's half-glowering, half-laughing at him.

Adam snarls. "Got what, fucker?"

He looks like he's about to snap back, but Lil interrupts, clearing her throat and looking pointedly at them. She sits on the arm of Adam chair and peers down at him thoughtfully. "You're in love with Kris."

Adam jerks, wants to hide away; because yeah, he knew, and knew Lil did and obviously Matt now, but. Hearing it. And for the first time in years Adam wants to cry.

Lil smiles. "Sweetie, it's a good thing. I know you don't think it is, but really." Adam doesn't think her assurances will help him this time.

"Okay, bitch, listen." And Matt's being a jerk, reliably. Lil glares. "This was gonna happen. I mean, seriously? We're holed up together. It's a bit like Stockholm syndrome, but with each other." Adam thinks Matt has no idea what he's saying, and his expression shows the disbelief, because Matt's giving him the finger and still talking. "You two have been screwing with each other for weeks. You might as well actually screw while you're at it."

Adam knows Matt just lost him, and so does Lil, cause she waves Matt off and leans heavily into Adam. "Babe, you don't listen to him talk to his wife."

Adam flinches, and Lil pokes him. He clears his throat, uncomfortable. "No. He goes into the hallway or somewhere."

Lil nods, all-knowing. "He doesn't want to talk to her when he's with you. He talks about you, all the time -- yes, we listen, it's not as if it's a sin -- but he keeps all mention of her to a minimum whenever you're near."

Skeptical, Adam nods; she has no clue what she's talking about.

"Listen, I cheated on a girlfriend once." Adam looks at Matt, confused by the non-sequitur. "They were friends, not close, but friends. I liked the other chick more than my girlfriend; I refused to talk about my girlfriend when I was with her, but my girlfriend found out about us later and said that it was obvious because I talked about her friend more than she did."

Adam looks at him sideways; Matt squirms a little, opens his mouth to clarify. To save them the pain, Adam sighs. "I get what you're saying. I don't think you're right, but I get it. But Matt?"

Matt nods at him, carefully. "How long were you with the friend once you and your girlfriend broke up?"

When he refused to answer, Adam smiled humorlessly. "Exactly. So no thanks."

Matt sighs, sharp and irritated. "You're not her, and Kris isn't me. Grow a pair, asshole, and fucking try."

Lil tugs on his ear, sharp enough to hurt. "You've already screwed over the platonic relationship. Groping him? On camera?" Adam wants to object, but she glares him into submission. "You've both kept it only barely beneath the surface so far. This blew it so out you won't be able to ignore it any more. So deal with it."

Adam smiles, worried but resigned. "If we won't be able to ignore it anyway, what's all this lecturing for?"

Lil looks at him, exasperated. "We're trying to make sure you won't try to ignore it, anyway; and we wanted you to know that you don't have as small a chance as you seem to think."

He shakes his head, roughly. "He's married."

"He could get divorced. And he doesn't call her anyway. The only time they talk is when she calls him. And he hung up on her the night before last, when you were in your snit." Adam really does think Matt is an asshole.

But he sighs defeat, and Matt hops cheerfully, hollering at them about going swimming. Anoop comes over and asks them why everyone but him was involved in great debates, and Lil told him he was above all of it. Dragged off by Matt to change to go swimming, Adam wants to look for Kris, but Lil whispers, "Give him time. Just til tonight, babe, okay?"

And Adam does.

\---

They somehow managed to miss each other completely at dinner, and then Matt and Danny kidnapped Kris into their room and kicked Adam downstairs, so the only contact they had was a brief, startled flash as Matt and Danny's door shut in Adam's face.

Lil makes him watch an awful comedy with her and Allison, and neither of them have the heart to tell her that Anoop really is the only other one who enjoys the sentiments within. Allison asks if he'll paint her nails, and he's about to say no when he sees their truly pathetic state, and he hasn't the heart. He asks her what color, and she rattles off, like, four, so he tells her to pick one more and he'll do each nail a different color. Afterwards, she does his, but badly so he has to redo them and then she's yawning (entirely faked, Adam saw Lil nudge her) and they all leave Anoop behind on the couch, content to have the television to himself when they head upstairs. When he gets to his hallway, Matt is sneaking around the corner very obviously, and he gives him a pointed glare.

Matt sneers and tells him to go fuck himself, he doesn't like playing matchmaker, but while they're at it why doesn't he fuck Kris too?

And Adam almost wants to blush. Matt crows victory and continues sneaking away.

He pauses outside the door, considers waiting until Kris should be asleep, remembers Lil and Matt's "encouragement" and can't bring himself to face it again. Breathing deep and determinedly, he opens the door as if he knows exactly what he's doing, and is utterly surprised to find the room empty. Oh. Kris is in the bathroom.

Sort of upset by the ruination of his dramatic entrance, Adam sits loudly onto the edge of his bed and takes off his shoes, watching the clock until Kris comes out of the bathroom. When almost thirty minutes have gone by and there's been nothing so much as a sound, Adam swears, loudly, and goes to open the door. He's not surprised to find it locked, but the locks on bathrooms are generally cheap and sliding a credit card in allows the door to slip open. Kris gives no response to the door opening, just sits on the toilet and stares at the wall. Probably, Adam realizes, as he's been doing ever since he was sent back to their room. Any irritation he felt fades, and he wants nothing more suddenly than to make all of this go away for Kris, to give him a happy life, an easy path, never mind Adam or American Idol or anything else that's ever been a source of trouble for him.

"I don't like guys." Kris speaks suddenly, and Adam wonders if he's trying to actually convince either of them. And then he's turning and looking at him, and Adam feels the world drop out from underneath him at the anguish and need and fear and hope in Kris' eyes. "I don't. But." And he stands, steps closer, and Adam feels frozen, wondering where all of his supposed courage went. He was the one who wasn't married, knew he liked guys, knew everything, and he was older, even. But Kris is still moving closer. They are only two steps away, if Kris moves. Adam only has to take one.

And he does.

The theatrical production would have them kiss, have Adam tip Kris' mouth up to meet his and steal his breath away. He doesn't. Because this isn't a movie, this isn't a play, this isn't even American Idol.

This is just Adam and Kris, and Kris is scared and Adam wants only to make the fear go away. So he hugs him, pulls him close and tucks his head into his shoulder, where he feels Kris breathe, unsteady and quick, and wraps Kris' scent around him like a winter snowstorm, biting and foreign and real. And Kris makes a noise, and backs away, and Adam thinks his heart is breaking, and then. Kris.

And Adam discovers that he needs to stop thinking, because almost everything he's been thinking for the past three days (he can't believe it's three, only three, how could this have happened so fast and taken so long?) has been proven wrong, because his heart isn't breaking and Matt wasn't wrong and Lil was right and Kris' mouth is under his and he takes a deep breath and fits their mouths together properly, because Kris really is too nervous to do it properly but they both need it and this is familiar to him, has always been right.

He tilts his head down, runs his hand up Kris' back, soothing pressure and guidance, and Kris stands up straighter, pressing against Adam, and Adam licks at his lip because he can, and Kris' hand is smoothing along his cheek and neck, tentative, thumb finding the pulse point and Adam laughs against Kris' mouth.

Kris pulls back, almost smiles. "What?" So vulnerable.

Adam laughs again, low, shakes his head, slides his hand through Kris' hair and scratches at his scalp and the reaction when he's awake is so much better because his head drops back and he moans. And Adam doesn't resist, doesn't want to doesn't have to doesn't. doesn't. So he kisses him, licking replaced by biting and then Kris' mouth opens for him when he scratches his nails along the back of his neck and he knew the manicures would be good for something someday, because Kris' mouth is open. for him.

And he doesn't taste like anything in particular but Kris, every mumble and sigh at night that woke Adam and Adam thinks distantly that he'll probably be woken by Kris even more when he's in such close proximity from now on, but right now he's awake and he's licking along Kris' tongue and then Kris is sucking on his tongue and Adam groans, low in his throat, and Kris jerks at the noise and pulls away.

"Adam." He's blinking at him, but he doesn't look scared, not anymore. He also doesn't look confused, which is good, because Adam certainly is.

"You shouldn't move away." His voice is thick with want, and he sees Kris swallow hard.

"I don't know what I'm doing." And his eyes search Adam's, for reassurance, for encouragement. But he has certainty enough for both of them.

And Adam smiles, and tells him he'll show him.

\---

He pushes Kris onto his bed, laughing delightedly when Kris glowers and swats at him. "Don't fuss."

Kris looks incredulous. "You shoved me! And I'm hardly fussing. I should be pissed."

Adam kneels on the bed over him, almost a safe distance away. Almost. "So? Are you? Cause if you're not, there's not much point in this discussion, is there?" He doesn't wait for an answer, bites at Kris' shoulder through his t-shirt. Kris turns his head, watches him, and his eyes are dark, pupils blown wide with want.

"I'll get you back later." And Adam wants to roll in the sound of his voice, heavy and distracted and just. for. him.

Adam slides his hands along the hem of Kris' shirt, tugs gently, hinting. Kris doesn't oblige, just tilts his head, and he's offering a kiss and Adam takes it but he yanks Kris up from where he's leaning back on his elbows, and forces their mouths apart when he drags the shirt over his head. Kris makes an irritated noise and closes his hand in Adam's hair, and this, this is why Adam likes guys, when even inexperienced, Kris is willing to force his mouth open cause he's pissed. So he sucks on his tongue, licks along his lip, drags away with a lingering bite, and then places soft fluttering pressure at the corner of his mouth, until Kris yanks at his hair and pulls him in again.

Kris' hands are scrabbling under his shirts, and he only has two on but he has a jacket on over, and when Kris tries to start dragging up it doesn't work. Adam swears softly into Kris' mouth and leans back, as Kris makes a heartbroken whine in protest at the separation, and Adam's pulling his jacket off, stripping off his shirts. He slides his hand across Kris' lower back, ignoring the way Kris is flushing because it's not worry or regret, he knows, it's just embarrassment from Adam's scrutiny and the dawning realization that he's touching another guy. Kris leans forward, mouths over his neck, bites gently. Adam laughs, tells him, "You'll have to do more than that to mark me," because he's forgotten that the marks may be what started all of this, but Kris hasn't and his eyes grow dark.

Adam blinks, realizes, wants to apologize. "Fuck, Kris--"

Teeth sink in, hard. He yelps, in surprise and maybe a little bit of real pain, and Kris is sucking at his teeth marks and Adam can feel from the pressure that it will take days to fade. And he thrills in the fact that everyone will know what they've done, but for now Kris is pale and unmarred and he needs to fix that.

He grips the back of Kris' neck, tugs gently then more firmly, and his skin twinges from the bruise when he bends his neck to kiss and lick at Kris' mouth, already red, and the brown eyes are blinking up at him defiantly. Adam knows he can't say that Brad means nothing, that they aren't involved, because that would mean he was saying he was available, or worse, would belong to, with Kris, but Kris wasn't available, maybe (and Adam cringed from the idea) never would really be, except for this, so he says nothing and kisses, kisses. He slides slowly along Kris' legs, until he's kneeling right over him and instead of leaning forward Kris has to lean back, tilt back, because Adam is almost a full head taller and it's almost frighteningly obvious right now.

Adam moves until his knee is between Kris' thighs, and the way Kris opens for him is unbelievably hot, good little Christian boy spreading his legs, and Adam forces down his darker urges and brings both hands to Kris' head, scratching behind his ears and tugging at his hair, and then one hand trails up and down his spine, reassuringly, as Adam's mouth moves to his collarbone and he licks, determinedly, repeatedly, and sucks, harder and harder. And when Kris is squirming and trying to pull him away from over-sensitized skin Adam bites, not nearly as hard as Kris but there, it was as close to permanent as he could do.

Kris swears softly, moans, pulls Adam over him and lays back, not intentionally submitting, Adam knows, but opening himself up nonetheless. Adam drops over him fully, finally, the length of his body heavy and taut and demanding against Kris, and Kris gasps, quick and startled, as Adam puts pressure over his trapped cock. Adam strokes hard against them both, rubs them together, but jeans aren't good enough and he sits back to unfasten their pants.

He pauses once the button and zipper are undone, looking over Kris with flushed skin and swollen mouth and dark eyes and so embarrassed to have Adam looking at him. "Adam--"

He kisses him, firmly, then stands to slide his own pants down. He pokes at Kris' hip. "Hips, up, lover." And he knows his smile is dark.

Kris squirms, looks away, and Adam loses patience, slides his hand under Kris' lower back and strokes over his jeans, harsh, and Kris arches and Adam pulls. Kris makes a noise, probably in protest, but he's learned his lesson because he helps Adam push down his briefs. And Adam crawls over him, naked, and ignores the way Kris stares at him in a little bit of unease. He settles himself, straddling one of Kris' legs, and drops his lips onto his forehead. He has to ask, at least once. "Okay?"

Kris swallows, shudders, and arches up against him, a soft murmur of assent emitted before he moans into Adam's mouth. Adam smiles, licks at his mouth gently, lovingly, and takes one of his hands to guide to both of their cocks, rubs them together. Kris hisses, then cries out. Adam smiles, sly and happy. "Okay?"

Kris whines, low in his throat, then opens his eyes and, "Please," and Adam has never liked his voice as much as he does at this moment. He's tentative but unashamed, touching them both gently and cautiously, as if he'd never before felt himself. Adam lets him, knows he's new and curious and, somewhere inside, at least a little shocked. Then he grips, firmly, and Adam remembers that this is Kris, and Kris is a shit and he loves him for it, because Kris smiles coyly even as he fists them together and twists. Adam groans, long and loud and unexpected, and then his patience runs out.

He grabs Kris' hands, presses them down beside his head as he lowers his mouth and kisses him fiercely, possessively, then drops their hips together and grinds. He takes them both in hand, dry and rough and friction almost too much, and Kris is panting and writhing beneath him, and Adam finds the bruise, dark on Kris' throat to suck at.

"Adam." Kris is growling, and even as Adam scratches his nails over his scalp -- god, he's sensitive, and Adam wants to pull on his hair, tight, and make him cry out -- and twists his hand tighter, and knows they're both so close; even during all of this Kris pulls his head up and bites at his mark on Adam's throat, and Adam knows turn about is fair play but it fucking hurts, and then he's growling too, and he kisses Kris; and then Kris is shaking against him, crying out as he comes, wet and heavy and loud, and Adam moans, a long continuous noise as he bites his lip and follows when Kris cries out for him.

\---

They're tired and sweaty and smiling and can't quite meet each other's eyes from happiness and embarrassment, and Adam goes to get a towel. He wipes them off, yanks them over to Kris' bed (clean bedclothes) and Kris doesn't protest, just goes with him quietly and contentedly, head lolling against his shoulder. He curls around him, and Kris purrs at the contact turning where Adam knows he's listening to his heart beat.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Kris is quiet when Adam doesn't answer, but Adam knows the question isn't one he can ignore. "You're married."

Kris goes worryingly still, then turns and props himself to look down at Adam. "I've never felt anything like this for her."

And Adam knows what's coming. "But you love her."

Kris bites his lip, nods, almost ashamed. And Adam finds that he really doesn't care what Kris has to do. He can wait.

Kris takes a deep breath, sighs. "Just, give me time, yeah? I need you, but. Well. I don't know yet."

And Adam finds that he's a big enough person that he can smile and say of course, and mean it.


	2. Acrasia

During the afternoons right before the show they're all usually tightly strung and prickly, except maybe Adam. But even he will get a bit snappish, though Kris considers that might just be irritation that the rest of them are so nervous -- Kris wouldn't put that sort of obliviousness past him; Adam was dense when it came to some of the easiest things. 

So, normally they're really, like _really_ nervous the afternoon before, and they practice or whatever as much as they can in the couple of hours they have at the house between their morning schedule and the makeup and styling that starts almost two and a half hours before they're on, but that's only on performance nights, and the afternoons before elimination night are instead thick with the sickening tension of inevitability.

They group together, huddled, for a couple of minutes, and then they each drift off, going through private rituals in preparation for the possible dead-end of their stint on American Idol.

Frustratingly, Adam isn't with Kris today to soothe his worries as he usually is. Kris knows he shouldn't be so reliant on Adam's reassurance of everyone's success, especially since Adam always thinks they're all amazing (or at the very least says he does). But Kris is, and he refuses to consider that maybe something's wrong with him, because he's watching out their bedroom window as Adam and his visitor swim, floating lazily, while he's on the phone with his _wife._ He's a newlywed. She should be the only person on his mind, but she's not. He wants her to be, even. But she's not. She's trying to tell him about how the decoration of their apartment is going, and he is absolutely. not. Listening.

He stops breathing, even, when he sees Adam and his "friend" wrap around each other, floating now not-so-lazily. They are--

They are, at the side of the pool where everyone can see them. Is seeing them, likely. Kris is sickened with himself, and he pulls away from the window, holding his phone against his ear and rummaging under his bed for his laptop.

"Kris?" He blinks, wondering if she's been calling him for long. She doesn't sound impatient.

He clears his throat. "Yeah, baby?"

Her voice is sweet, worried. He wants a bitter undertone, something to tell him she's real and not the candy-cane baby doll that he fell in love with because she is the perfect ideal of every college boy. If she's not real that makes him shallow, and for all his crimes he doesn't think he should bear that title as well. But she's talking. "You haven't been listening to a word I've said. What's wrong?" This is. All wrong. Women, even if they do fit the stereotypes of decorator and homemaker and caretaker (maybe especially if they do), are supposed to get angry when their husband or boyfriend or brother or father doesn't hang on to their every word, because they have to hold the inattention against them just as surely as their perceived delicacy is held against them. "Are you worried about tonight?" She doesn't wait for a response. "Ugh, what am I saying? Of course you are. But you don't need to be, sweetie, you were amazing, and I'm not just saying that." She waits. "Okay?"

Her reassurances would be much more soothing if her musical tastes didn't run right up there with the writer of Disney's High School Musicals. But he makes himself laugh, tries to take it at face value. "Yeah, I got it."

And he gets a flash of why she really is so much smarter than him, when she hums quietly to herself for a second and then decides to accept his agreement. He knows she heard the lie in his voice.

"Okay, well, anyway--" And now she's back to decorating or friends, and Kris _cannot_ do this right now.

"Katy, baby?" She stops, mid-sentence. "I've got to go, okay?"

She's quiet, and he thinks he's hurt her, and then she asks, simply, "Don't feel like talking right now?"

"Sorry. Really. I just--"

She hushes him. "No, it's okay. You do whatever you need to. I'll call you later, alright? I love you."

Kris feels like scum as he throws the phone onto his bed and drags open his computer, and stares at a blank Google page until Adam (presumably) opens the door. "How was your swim?"

And he turns when Adam doesn't say anything that's the truth. Kris doesn't know what he expected, maybe to be informed of a new relationship? Because in Kris' experience, you don't generally have to be with people to have sex, but you are if you're spending time together and cuddling and bonding and shit. But he's not a gay man, so maybe their rules are different? Either way, Kris kind of thought Adam would have to be attached to someone to do that, and Adam's certainly not hiding what they did. Kris can see his body, red and flushed and only half-dry and Kris wants to erase the marks from Adam's skin. He knows he's acting weird, because Adam is _looking_ at him. He stutters out what's meant to be a joke, meant to be teasing, maybe, but Adam tells him, inadvertently, Kris thinks, how impersonal and unimportant the _groping_ was, and Kris flinches because he didn't want to know that, likes his remaining illusions, and he has no idea yet how everything has just gone wrong.

\---

The show is as nerve-wracking as usual. Adam and Allison are pronounced safe early on, which surprises no one, but when the judges save Matt they all feel faint with relief and pile onto him.

There is the gamut of interviews and pictures, after, and he's relieved when they're all able to act normal. There are a few awkward moments with Adam, but then they're back at the house and there's food, better late than never, and Adam is going upstairs to take another shower so Kris stays downstairs and talks to his wife.

He doesn't call her; she's always had good timing, so he waits until, true to form, most everyone has cleared out of the hallways into the kitchen and TV room, and his phone rings. "Hey, baby."

She laughs into his ear and he smiles affectionately, bitterness from early drowned under adrenaline and relief. "See, I told you you'd be fine! Now, I need to know whether you'd prefer green curtains or yellow?"

She's really determined. He rolls his eyes but knows she's deserved his attention for days now and he has been too distracted, always divided between several things. He doesn't _care_ about the curtains, but she says she's "nesting" and wants his input. He hears everyone arguing about movies, and then Adam's footsteps, two at a time down the stairs. He tells Katy he loves her and they hang up; he holds the memory of her voice in his ear. When he walks into the kitchen it's just in time to dodge Adam's gaze, and he knows Adam's pissed when he stares blankly at them all and leaves the room. Allison's eyes are on his neck, and Kris looks at her pointedly (hypocritically) until she has the grace to be embarrassed.

Lil bumps her hip into his as he fills a glass with water and sighs. "How's Katy doing?" Behind the airy question Kris can tell she's actually curious, so he shrugs.

"She's getting my input on nesting, or whatever." He knows his voice is a little too bitter when Allison blinks at him in surprise, but he jumps, startled, when Lil gasps and hugs him. "Oh, I didn't know she was pregnant!"

He stares, and his voice comes out funny and high-pitched and more than a little panicked. "Pregnant? Um, no. Not so far as I'm aware. Or concerned. Or involved. Or. Yeah. No." He's shaking his head too rapidly, and Allison looks like she's covering her face to hide her smile.

Lil peers at him. "Nesting is what you do when you decorate a baby's room. I've done it all three times."

"Oh!" Kris laughs, relief a floating, fuzzy thing inside him. Misunderstanding solved, no harm done. "No, she's just decorating our apartment for the first time. No babies."

Allison peeks into the other room, where Adam is being yelled at by Matt for something. Lil goes to intervene, and Kris sets his glass down on the counter and rests his head in his hands. Babies.

God.

He stands, shakes himself, joins his friends. Adam is sprawled like a whale across the longest couch and Kris has nowhere to sit, but it's ridiculously hard to go to Adam when he curls up and smiles invitation.

\---

Kris flees upstairs halfway through the movie, unable to handle the pressure of Adam's legs against his side and the little noises he makes whenever he disagrees with the movie. Which is often.

So Kris goes upstairs, finds the computer, sees Katy and friends are logged in to IM but he doesn't want to talk only wants to hide and sleep and forget the realization  that marriage equals wife equals family and he doesn't love Katy enough for that. Wants it to stop, and he goes to take a shower. He knows Adam touches himself in the mornings, because he's a guy and it's the only private time he gets, but also because Adam doesn't much concern himself with silence. Kris wakes slowly in themornings, and he's become accustomed to Adam's routine, every part of it. The first time he though Adam was beautiful was when he smiled at him, ignorant of how Kris had been squirming and eavesdropping and completely ashamed of himself for listening to Adam like that. Kris had startled himself with the thought, attributed it to loneliness and anxiety and a natural reaction to anyone with Adam's confidence. He'd only begun to realize that he might ahve gotten himself in over his head when he'd first wanted to hang up on Katy because Adam was in their bedroom, waiting for him. To the best of his knowledge it was supposed to go the other way around, but he'd gotten terribly confused somewhere early on, and he thinks he and Katy have become so good at playing newlyweds that maybe they've begun to forget how to play themselves.

Adam comes in only a few minutes later, and they don't look at each other. Adam is in the bathroom, getting ready through all his little necessities, and Kris turns the lights off and drifts in a doze to the clinking sounds of Adam's movements.

He doesn't know how much time has passed but the room goes dark but for the moonlight he thinks he can see coming in from the window through his eyelids. He's floating, and Adam's breathing across the room and he jerks awake even though he didn't think he was asleep in the first place.

He tries to relax himself, doesn't know why he's tense, suddenly can't take Adam's silent anger pressure demands any longer. "Adam?"

He doesn't know whether he'll answer or feign sleep, though Kris can feel the weight of his eyes, shadowed across the room.

"Yeah?" He sounds reluctant, but mostly he sounds hushed and dark and Kris thinks his pulse is speeding up. And he honestly has nothing to say or ask, but he started it. So he makes a question of a suspicion, and then Adam's telling him, all hard edges and impatience, that he's keeping him awake, disturbing him, and Kris is caught between laughing and crying from the irony in his current, temporary, passing existence and he turns away from Adam and forces himself quiet and still.

Adam comes to him, soothes him, sounds so genuinely _sorry_ to have hurt Kris' feelings and he's asking about his dreams and it's enough comforting and enough intimate that when Adam tugs him over, pets him, Kris lets himself lean into the caress and has to fight back an encouraging moan. And then Adam apologizes, ad Kris knows that he's doing it to make Kris feel better, make them work again, and he feels ridiculously happy and horribly guilty, so he apologizes too and hides himself in Adam's hip as much as he dares and relaxes tentatively into the familiar teasing.

And Kris gives in.

When Adam moves away, he thanks him for destroying every conception Kris has ever had about himself, and in the middle of the hushed night, between the two of them, Kris is really very grateful.

\---

Kris is only barely awake when he makes a lazy attempt at murdering Adam's ungodly alarm; he trusts Adam to make it go quiet and it does, and Kris drowses as Adam takes his shower, recognizing faintly his own disappointment when he hear Adam's customary sounds of pleasure.

\---

Adam wakes him when he's done getting ready, which means Kris has about half an hour to dress and eat, which is a ridiculously short amount of time, and which is just about perfect. Katy always makes him get up too early.

Kris despises himself for the thought.

\---

Last night was a breakthrough, Kris thinks, so he doesn't realize Adam's still avoiding him until they get to the studios and he won't leave Allison's side. Kris knew Adam touched people, but there's no better way to be made to feel insignificant than to have affection, which Kris finally wants to let himself have, be lavished on another. It's not just the touching, either, but the way Adam has of looking like his entire world is wrapped up in her right now, and it's adorable and unbelievable and Kris maybe wants Allison gone for the first time ever.

Kris is still thinking uncharitable thoughts , sitting in a corner watching Adam when he's supposed to be thinking of arrangements for his song. He doesn't feel so weird when he notices Matt is watching them too. He wonders briefly about Matt's scrutiny, then shakes it out of his head.

A hand pats his hair and he turns to look up at Lil, smiling down at him (a little indulgently, maybe, but Kris would never admit that). "How are things?"

He sighs (thinks he sighs too much, especially around Lil he needs to stop), looks at the sheet music in front of him, and Lil elaborates. "I meant with you and Adam."

He winces, and she groans. "That can't be good."

He leans his head against her side, and she nudges at him. "I don't know what's wrong with him, or with me, whatever. We talked last night, I thought he got over us getting at him for the pool thing yesterday, but again today he's weird."

Lil cocked her head, watched with Kris as Adam slid his hands down Allison's sides, tickling her. Danny laughed when she squealed, but Adam's smile looks so fake it makes Kris' stomach hurt.

"Okay, babe. So what's up with you?"

He looks at her innocently. She stares him down, and in the back of his mind he wonders if Katy will ever be as ferocious as Lil when she becomes a mother. Thinks that he doesn't want to find out. He's scared, suddenly, and the only thing he can think to do is to try not to change anything, but Katy will do the changes for him and he's trapped, stuck on her road or forced to make a new one entirely. He doesn't know how to say this to Lil, can't help but think that he wouldn't even if he had the words, because this is something so intensely private he doesn't even want to admit it to himself.

"Do you love Katy?" Lil is gentle. Kris realizes he's staring at a blank wall where Allison was minutes hours never ago and he blinks, his head fuzzy.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

Lil kisses his forehead, hugs him a little, pulls away. "I'm sorry, Kris."

He laughs, humorlessly.

She stands, walks a few steps away, and Kris feels like he's disappointed her. She looks back at him. "Just don't be afraid, okay?"

And Kris doesn't know what he should stop being scared of, because there's not enough courage in the world for all of his fears.

\---

And then it's late at night and Kris is watching as Adam pulls away from them all, and he thinks there's something inside of him tugging, and the string between fingers isn't such a ridiculous idea like it was when he was a teenager, because now he's turned his entire focus for the evening onto Adam and waiting until he can try to help him.

When he goes outside, Kris wants to know what he's running away from. Matt's more direct. "Ugh, god, PMS much?" 

And Kris stares at him in confusion, because how can Adam be anything but heartbreaking right now. Allison squirms a little, and then bursts out, "Matt! He's unhappy about something. It's not like--"

Lil nudges him when he looks towards the doors again, and he resists the urge for maybe a few moments, then he stands up and goes to the doors. When he gets there, his phone rings, and he pulls it out of his pocket. It's Katy, he knew that from the ringtone, but he didn't know he was going to ignore her call until his thumb has pressed the button. He turns to the door, and the reflection in the glass shows him Lil, watching him with a smile and looking so, so sad. He feels Danny touch his arm, lightly, and he looks at him in surprise as he takes his phone from his hand, gently. Danny smiles one of his awkward half-smiles and Kris thinks that he wants to keep these friends for the rest of his life.

\---

It's dark outside, and Adam is pacing along the edges of the pool. He's not close enough that Kris feels frantic about him tripping in, but he's determined and dejected and Kris hears the noises of a living city muted around them and feels ashamed that he never thought to ask Adam if the protective screen they all live behind, sheltering them from the city, just another new experience, is welcomed by the one member who knows exactly what they've all gone after when they set out to win this competition.

Adam looks as if he stumbles, and Kris flinches, asks if he really thinks he should be walking around a pool with his eyes closed. Adam is defensive and snappish, different not at all from yesterday, and Kris tries to sympathize, tries to pry subtly and find out what's wrong, but Adam's tearing into him, suddenly, and Kris is too close and he wants to flee or stay, just get rid of this tiny yawning chasm, and Adam's feral and dark and Kris backs down, because he doesn't know what he's doing, and that's usually okay but he knows that right now Adam doesn't need uncertainty, doesn't need Kris' uncertainty and Adam won't be the one who gets hurt if things go wrong.

So he walks back inside; something in his face makes Anoop loop an arm over his shoulder and offer good porn. Kris doesn't want to think about what that means, and he declines with a polite smile and Anoop laughs at him and calls him a virgin.

\---

He meant to stay awake, to wait for Adam to see if Adam will take him up on his offer or at least watch to make sure Adam hasn't finally abandoned them to the dark depression Kris never really thought was any more than an act. Kris meant to stay awake, and only realizes he didn't when he's jerking awake to the slight click of a door.

And Adam's wet and smiling, and Kris thinks it's a very bad thing that his entire night is suddenly okay, because Adam's smiling at him and they're talking and then Adam's telling him--

Kris doesn't really believe that Matt's interested in Adam at all, not really, but he can't help but think that love would be enough to turn someone like Adam into the creature he's been over the past twenty-four hours, so he can't help that his question sounds slightly more desperate than he wanted. But then Kris is convincing Adam that Matt's after him, too, and Kris thinks that Matt really is a whore, and it's not even all his fault, and Adam's _petting_ him, and Kris recognizes it because he's always sliding his hands through Katy's hair, too. But Adam's apologizing, and he sounds like he means it this time, and he's not apologizing for being himself or explaining anything, even when Kris asks, and Kris knows that means that everything really is better now.

Except that he still wants to wrap himself in Adam's scent and presence and voice, so he tries to get him to back away, but he won't, he has no boundaries when he's happy, and Kris insults his personal hygiene as his last resort. Which works better and worse than he'd hoped, because Adam's moving away, but he's also convinced Kris to give him a kiss, so Kris smacks onto his cheek and tries to ignore that it would have actually been easier (better angle, better results--he can't) if he'd just gone for his mouth. And Adam's looking over his body, and Kris feels himself flushing, hates his light skin tone, knows Adam sees it too. And Adam teases him for hitting on him, and Kris thinks that Adam really has no idea.

\---

Kris wakes up to pain in his hand, and he looks down in surprise to realize that he actually had to turn the alarm off. And he maybe split some of the wire when he yanked at it to find the button, mostly-asleep, so he cringes and tells himself he'll buy them a new one. He looks at Adam, and realizes with a start that he's never before seen Adam asleep. Dozing, sprawled out on back, sides, stomach, yes. Asleep, no. And the innocence sleep bestows is lost on Adam, who actually looks kinda silly, all awkward angles and long limbs when energy and attention aren't awake to utilize them.

He lets Adam sleep, figures he could go back to sleep but he has no way of setting an alarm and he doesn't feel tired anyway. So he dresses, and goes and mopes around downstairs, and fights the urge every five minutes to go back upstairs and coo at Adam while he's asleep and can't make fun of Kris for it.

And then everyone else is downstairs and he's eating breakfast and he realizes with a jolt and a lurch of guilty amusement that he never woke Adam up like he told himself he would, and Adam wouldn't have time to get ready.

But Adam does have time to get ready, barely, and then they're in the car and Kris gives him food and Adam makes Matt's affectionately painful gestures seem downright lewd, and Kris smiles and doesn't think about anything outside of this car right now.

\---

That night they all curl up on the floor and Kris is tired and Adam lets him near him and Kris has settled himself into living for the moment, so when the opportunity to sprawl half on top of Adam presents itself he takes it and doesn't feel at all ashamed, especially when Danny wiggles his eyebrows comically and Lil blows him a kiss and a proud smile. And he doesn't mean to, but he's asleep and only waking up when Adam shakes his shoulder and tells him he has to move, and he's feeling comfortable and childish and affectionate, so he buries his face in Adam's stomach and doesn't move until Adam's laughing and he's being gently dislodged anyway, so he yawns and lets Adam push him up the stairs.

\---

Kris is  _sleepy_ , and he doesn't want to get up early again, so when Adam can't turn his noise off before Kris is completely awake, he's just a little bit pissed. He groans, and bitches and takes a wholly immature and untrue dig at Adam's appearance in retaliation, and he falls back to sleep, smiling, after Adam tells him,"Shut the fuck up. You know how girls ask if they look good? I don't have to. Now roll over. I'll get you up. In fact, I'll get you up  _late_ , return the favor, hmm?"

\---

Lil gives him a shoelace when he discovers that his old one broke, and she incites Matt and Danny by forcing them out of their rooms, because. And Kris makes Adam help him with his shoelace, because he's there and he might as well make himself useful.

\---

Kris doesn't want morning rehearsal to end. Because that means lunch, which, yeah, okay. He's not going to object, not with the food they're given. But after lunch is another official photo shoot for the week. Spontaneous pictures he can handle. But this? He'd laugh at himself if he wasn't busy keeping from tearing his hair out and ruining the styling. He doesn't know why they don't put him last. They got Anoop and both girls out of the way, but then they go to him, which Kris could tell them makes no sense, except the photographer hates him enough that he gets yelled at every time he so much as opens his mouth. So, he's going right in the middle, and Matt and Danny, fairly easy, are waiting impatiently and Adam, who's fucking great, is scheduled to go last.

He sees one of the younger photographers grab Matt and Danny, and he's mostly relieved, because that means they'll be done sooner, burt mostly it means that they won't be staring at him like Adam still is. And yeah, Adam's his friend, but Kris is about to go fucking nuts from the eyes all over him and he doesn't care that Adam's on his side, because he just wants everyone to stop. looking. at him.

"Allen!" He grits his teeth, grimaces at the photographer.

"Allen! When we take pictures you don't  _snarl._ Look fucking normal, for once, you're frightening us here!"

From the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees Adam smile, laugh, and Danny walks over, apparently already done. He's had enough.

"Allen!"

He walks towards Adam and Danny, not because he expects any sort of respite but because they're in front of the door, and he ducks his head determinedly, knows he looks miserable.

And he could scream when Adam grabs his arm. Almost does, but they're in front of twenty people who hate him, and he prefers his fits of temper to be more private. But Adam's stubborn, and he's tugged over to the person he's  _trying to get away from_ , and Kris thinks bitterly that Adam's probably the only one the asshole would let say anything. (He ignores the fact that Adam may be the only one who might actually have a clue about any of the technical stuff the photographer bitches about, but still.)

And Kris refuses to cringe away from the man, as much as he'd like to. Adam's hand slides across his back and he's holding him steady and Kris really wonders if Adam thinks he's so fragile that he'd run away.

Kris has no clue what they're on about, having Adam take pictures with him. Even if Kris goes for this -- and it's nice of them to consult him, it really is -- he doesn't think Adam would help him so much as screw with him. Maybe literally, since he's seen how Adam is in front of the cameras.

He yells at him, wonders how it is that he genuinely thinks this is a good idea; gives in.

"Allen! Lambert! Lean back, towards the screen. Do not touch each other, but lean to the middle together."

Kris knows he's staring, but the man might as well have just spoken a foreign language. Unsteadily, he tries to mimic Adam, envying him his easy smile.

"Allen!" He's  _trying_. He would've reconsidered this American Idol thing if he'd been told one day every week would be hell.

And then Adam's touching him and he knows that's a lie.

But Kris has no words to describe how uncomfortable it feels to have Adam around him, breathe going  _through_  him, and telling him to fantasize about his wife. It's better again when Adam keeps hold of his hand, because Kris doesn't feel so alienated. The photographer yells for Adam to get off of him, then says he wants  _porn_ , and Kris thinks he froze about half a minute ago.

Adam squeezes his hand, and it's a mistake to look at him because Kris knows Adam can see it in his face when Kris remembers the noises Adam makes in the shower, and watching him talk and dance and laugh. And watching him come only a few days ago.

The guy is telling them he wants them to turn their heads (and Kris wonders why he's finally chose now to stop being a bastard). And Kris can do that, he can, he does, and feels himself smile when Adam looks relieved that he doesn't freak out and he doesn't know why Adam's so concerned about him anyway.

Then he turns to look at the camera, ask if they're done, but he blinks at a bright flash and knows they took a picture right then and for some reason the photographer actually looks pleased. The man's  _thanking_ them, and apparently they can go.

And Kris doesn't have time to process what's going on before Adam's hands are spanning his hips and he shouldn't touch him there  _that's not friends_. 

He doesn't want to pull away, lose Adam (and himself) so he doesn't and tells himself he'll feel guilty later for wanting nothing more than the desireneedwant that's under his skin and in his lungs and he can't breathe.

He's going to kiss Adam, if Adam doesn't stop. touching him.

And Adam isn't and there are dozens of people in the room and Kris pulls away and knows any appearance of nonchalance is gone when he gasps as if he's broken.

Kris can't make himself talk or smile or  _think_ , not yet, so he goes to the car and wants to sob with relief when Danny sits next to him, a solid barrier, and gives an empty monologue about some hot girl in the studio, even though they both know Kris knows Danny's not anywhere near looking at another woman yet.

Matt looks like he's having a fit all over Adam, and Kris can'twon't read Adam's expression, so when they finally get in the car Kris stares out the window and taps absent rhythms on his thighs.

\---

He'll never admit that his fingers scrabbling at the door handle when they pull to a stop at the house are frantic. They really aren't, just desperate and scared and he's followed by Danny though he won't stop until he's around the back of the house and Danny may be breathing a bit heavily and Allison skitters over to them a few moments later.

"Wow. I haven't run like that since I stopped caring about PE."

Kris gives her a faint smile. She flops next to him, pokes at his arm until he looks at her. "You and Adam are adorable together." And Kris just doesn't have the energy right now to respond or even react. He looks back at the house and sees Danny making motions at Allison and rolling his eyes.

She, bless her, totally misses the attempt at subtlety and protests, loudly, "What? When I told Adam that he acted like it was the most profound thing he'd ever heard."

Kris startles, turns to look at her, wonders if that was why Adam had acted so strangely, discards the thought. Allison looks at him, and then begins to giggle. And she  _doesn't stop_. "You didn't realize, did you? Oh my god, boys really don't get any better when they're older!"

Kris thinks one of the only exhibitors of her age is her sense of humor. Danny taps her on the head, squats in front of them. "Allison."

Rolling his eyes, Kris snaps at them both, "What are you talking about?"

Allison gives a final snicker and then leans against him, in apology, he thinks. "Adam likes you."

Danny yanked at her arm in irritation. "Allison. Do you really think you're helping anything?"

She glowers, pouts. "More than you! At least I'm saying something to the guy who looks like he's gonna off himself!"

Oh, that's enough. He's right  _here_. His protest earns him a look of disbelief from them both. He wants to defend himself, can't, tries to explain. "I like him too." 

Allison snorts, "duh", and Danny hits her hard enough to elicit a yelp. "Sorry! But, seriously, duh."

Kris looks at her, wondering and confused and can't believe he wishes he was a sixteen year old  _girl_. "Duh?" His voice comes out fainter than he'd wanted.

"Um, yeah." Danny, finally, appears to remember that his entire purpose in life is not to edit what comes out of Allison's mouth. "Yeah. We all sort of got that, what with the attachment and smiling and, um, touching." He looks faintly uncomfortable with this conversation and Kris thinks that makes two of them.

Allison sighs. "Okay, California girl talking. So what?"

Kris sighs, sharply, thinks she's too young to have any input in this conversation, knows she can't be any more clueless than him. "I'm married, Allison, and I don't like guys." He speaks slowly, like to a child.

She kicks her feet, petulantly. "Obviously you  _do_  like guys, okay? And people get divorced all the time." And she winces before Kris' shock and offense form more than vague uneasy shapes. "I don't mean it like that. Just, isn't love, like, you don't like anyone else? And you obviously do like Adam, so, not to be rude, too late, whatever, maybe you don't love your wife so much?"

And Kris didn't need to be kicked in the stomach, have every secret doubt and fear about himself thrown in his face by a girl who was young enough to have not yet had  _sex_. He feels ill, but Danny's talking and he listens to Danny because Danny was married and has to have some idea what he's going through, right?

"Kris, I know this has got to be hard. I  _know._ I can't imagine finding someone better than my wife was, but if she was taken off that pedestal, I think I would have gone crazy, okay. But, we listen to you talk to her, I listen to you talk to her, and you've been married for five months. You should talk to her on the phone and be like, wow, this is her, please don't hang up. But you look like every time you do you're being antagonized."

Kris looks down at the ground. "I should miss her."

The unspoken  _and I don't_  hangs in the air, heavy and depressing. He tries to explain, because he doesn't think there's anything he could say that would be worse than that. "I do love her. She's bright and lovely and she makes me smile. I just. I love her to death when I'm with her. We just don't seem as good together anymore."

Allison strokes his hair and she means to be comforting but she doesn't have the experience for it to feel like Lil. "Look, I know I haven't fallen in love, like, want to marry love. But I did fall in love. So maybe, and I totally think I'm wrong, but maybe the whole thing about different types of love is actually right and you love them both and one's just better for you?"

Kris laughs, can't help it, because she's precious and amazing and he can't believe he's gone his whole life thinking girls in their teenage years are utterly useless. He stands, brushes himself off, pulls Allison up and hugs her, because that's the most comforting thing about her, really. She's young enough that the overtones and the undertones and the self-concern haven't taken away that amazing ability to just  _melt_ against another human body and mean nothing more in it than wanting to make things better. He clears his throat, coughs, clears his throat again, refuses to admit that maybe he wants to cry. "I've got to go talk to him, huh?"

And Allison cheers, and Danny tells her to grow up, does she think this is a soap opera, and she tells him it kind of is, and Kris tells them both that it definitely is and he's going to start charging price of admission.

But Adam's in the pool with Matt, looking quite put-up and prissy, with the way he's avoiding Matt's hands and splashing and kind of floating near the shallow end and Kris wants to swim too, but he's not quite brave enough to confront Adam, thinks he'll let Adam come to him because it's his turn anyway. (Except that he doesn't think it is, he's just too scared.)

So Allison makes him watch some awful teenage girl movie with  _Ashton Kutcher_ in it and now he really does want to off himself, and where's her amazing insight into his psyche now?

But she brings him up food and he's grateful that he's avoided everyone, even though he only wants to avoid Adam. And Matt, but Matt's just that general,  _oh god, him again,_ that Kris can deal with.

So he eats what she brought him, which was really kind of a lot, but he eats it anyway and then he starts on hers, too, because the girl cannot measure portions to save her life, and he thinks he may see the logic behind that "eating your feelings" theory.

But Matt slams open the door and tells him, "Okay, that's enough girlfriend. You're gonna get fat." And Danny apologizes loudly to all and sundry that his roommate's an ass.

Kris glares at him defiantly and stands. "I think everyone in this entire fucking house needs to learn to mind their own business," and okay, he doesn't quite know where that's come from and he would apologize, but Allison and Matt go into fits over other variations of his type of outburst, along the lines of  _mind your own beeswax_ and  _fuck off, assholes_  and are obviously terribly amusing.

And then Matt's grabbing his arm and Kris hates being short because he's being hauled upstairs and Danny, the traitor, isn't helping him. He's quiet until they've hauled him into their bedroom, because who knows where Adam is. "This had better not be more fucking counseling!"

Matt looks at him in disgust. "Dude, do I look like a girl."

Kris glares, but he's learned that his expressions have no effect on people but amusement and he thinks he should give up. Matt, oh so helpful, points out that the door is behind him, and Kris deflates, sits on his bed. Danny nods, seemingly pleased. "Yeah, we've brought you here for a more practical purpose. Sex ed!"

He thinks he'd have passed out if Matt hadn't turned white, too, and told Danny in a hiss that he really wasn't funny. And Kris can't help but laugh when Matt, for all appearances actually concerned, turns to him and says, "Sorry. There are just some things I am not comfortable imagining."

\---

Apparently their entire purpose behind kidnapping him is to give Adam some space, and that is not fair, because where does Adam get off on freaking out about all of this, and then Kris remembers the sulking and glowering and despondency and wants to cuddle Adam close and apologize for doing that to him, though he still thinks that he's in way worse.

And then Kris is discovering that there is no god, because Matt's telling him in sickly sweet tones that he's gonna have to face the music (good thing he likes his own puns) and Adam, while he's at it. Then abandons him in his room, telling him that Adam's on his way up and won't he look stupid if he's caught sneaking away down the hall?

So Kris does the intelligent thing and hides  _in the bathroom_. Which is great, as far as avoidance plans go, apparently, because Adam comes in and then Kris sits there for almost half an hour and Adam seems to have no intention of coming to talk to him. So Kris is stuck  _in the bathroom_  all night.

He thinks it's funny, being so childish and hiding under the covers from the monsters in the dark, but this is not a joke, not a game, and it's his life and his own goddamn  _self-perceptions_ on the line and why isn't Adam coming to him?

He isn't prepared for the door to open. He realizes he locked it, almost laughs at himself again, hysteric a little, but Adam's in the doorway and he's too much, too close and Kris remembers he was so much closer not too very long ago and that it wasn't so bad and in one of the worst decisions he's ever made he opens his mouth and tells Adam that he doesn't like guys. And then he looks at Adam, wonders if he'll say how stupid that proclamation was, because everyone else in existence knows, and Kris sees his eyes and Adam's just.  _looking_  at him.

And it's not like he's looking, observing, or looking, seeing, or looking, thinking. He's looking like he's  _watching_ waiting and almost impatient and completely, wholly wrapped up in Kris, what Kris is doing and saying and  _thinking_  and Kris doesn't think he's ever been under this level of scrutiny before, and he realizes that Allison was utterly, unbelievably wrong, but it's forgivable because she's only sixteen. He doesn't like guys. He never could, because Adam is a guy but it's not why Kris -- and Kris doesn't like him, but love is the word he can't think because he's become incapable over the past couple of months of thinking anything but what people tell him to, and he knows he can blame Katy for that, doesn't. The  _but_  comes out of his mouth and Kris knows Adam gets it, understands what he's saying more than Kris does, because Kris doesn't understand it at all and he's moved closer, somehow, but Adam hasn't taken a step and Kris realizes he's being pulled in.

When Adam yanks him in Kris has prepared himself to deal with getting his first kiss in a bathroom, under duress, and feeling vaguely like he's going to throw up from too many discoveries. But Adam's holding him, fucking  _cuddling_ him and Kris thinks that's probably the most offensive thing he could have done, and that's when he remembers that this is Adam, after all, only Adam, after all, and Lil's voice is telling him  _just don't be afraid_  and Kris knows, certainty for the first time in days, that he can do that.

And Kris forces himself not to laugh, because there'd be no way to explain that he loves Adam and that's why he's laughing, so he pulls back and he never thought that he'd be kissing Adam first.

He doesn't do it right, awkward and shy and he's used to leaning down, not up, and Adam's ridiculously tall and then fitting their mouths together and moving him until Kris can settle against him like he's supposed to and then  _Adam_ is laughing and Kris regrets trying to be the polite one in this relationship and Adam won't tell him anything, like usual, but he's scratching along Kris' head and  _oh,_ but that's why girls like having their hair played with. Adam has nails, and isn't gentle, actually uses them, not hurting but startling and then Adam groans and Kris realizes that they got their first kiss in the bathroom and the irritating understated location is just perfect for them, because Adam at least is so far out left-wing that a theatrical location probably would have sent Kris up the wall.

He tells Adam he has no clue what he's doing, and he's not talking about the sex, (though yeah, that too, more than a little), but that's okay because he doesn't think Adam's talking about the sex either. (Maybe a little less than a little, though. Um.)

Because Adam's pushing him onto his bed and he resists the urge to be immature and soothe his nerves by complaining about why they can't do it on his bed because that would mean saying,  _out loud_ , that they'll be doing something, are doing something, and that also would be a little bit stupid because the beds are  _exactly the same_  and he's trying to reassure himself that he's hit his stupid threshold for the day.

Kris can't bring himself to let Adam pull off his shirt the way he undresses Katy, he wants to undress his own damn self, thank you very much, but Adam cheats and distracts him and undresses him anyway. So Kris kisses him hard, thinks it's a rather losing strategy if he wants to incite apology, and Adam's being an ass and won't just  _kiss_  him. And Adam's still got his shirt on, plus another and a jacket, and Adam does get to take his own clothes off and Kris is going to point that out that later. And he's embarrassed by all of this, because he's never done this before even though he's seen Adam naked and in his underwear and Adam's returned the favor, but it was never deliberate exposure (he'll ever admit) and this is worth a little bit of embarrassment, but at least he's not all fumbling and hurting his first girlfriend while trying to unhook her bra.

He bites at Adam's neck, because Adam's skin is dark and there are no more red marks showing his fun by the pool and Kris is glad because he left his wedding ring on the counter in the bathroom. And Adam laughs and tells him he's not that easy to mark, and Kris knows he doesn't mean it like that but it actually  _hurt_  and he's biting, hard, and hears Adam make a pained noise and almost feels skin break and knows that it will take  _days_  to fade, and he'll make another one before then.

Adam's more determined than girls, which yeah, Kris knew, but hickeys only feel good in that squirmy, move your mouth to a different place sort of way, at least for him, and Adam's teeth and tongue make his collarbone so sensitive and shuttering, jumping nerves that Kris wants to pull his mouth away because he wants any sensation there but that slickroughwet sucking that Adam won't stop doing. Then Adam's moving over him and Kris realizes that somewhere he'd let himself lean back and given his head to Adam's hands and he's not sure how he feels about that much vulnerability. But he lays back, doesn't think to protest or squirm or do anything but force himself to relax, and it's okay because the rough friction against his body is really no different though the accompanying weight and force and  _Adam_  is.

But Adam's moving off and that's just. Not okay. And he's telling him to lift his hips up, just, lift his hips, like he's going to thrust himself into the air, and he can't hear his own breathing through the pounding of his heart fueling need and embarrassment. So he's found the end of Adam's patience, Kris thinks, and any doubt (none) that he'd had about Adam and experience goes out the window when Adam makes him arch his own body and strips him of his pants anyway. So he takes off his own underwear, because Adam really has been undressing him and this is just shameful, now, and then Adam's over him naked and Kris wonders for the first time what Adam expects, because, yeah, sex ed maybe wasn't such a bad idea.

When he's asked for permission Kris thinks that he just gives up, Adam can do whatever he wants because Kris just doesn't have the willpower to make him --

And oh, the friction's like he's a teenager again and discovering the joys of lotion, but better and freer and he doesn't think he could ever choose Katy over Adam, just because guys really are good at this. He assumes at least, but he doesn't think he'll need to find out because even if it's just Adam he's already got Adam (not yet, if he wants only maybe). He feels himself in his hand, feels Adam, and touches softly, exploring and like a girl touching her first boyfriend and he almost thinks he wants to be scared again because it's easier if Adam just does things for him, but he's in this too and Adam lets him learn. And okay, enough of this, Adam's a guy, right, and Kris twists hard and oh. maybe. and he wasn't expecting that, either Adam's noise or his own nerves sparking.

Adam presses him into the bed, holds him down, and Kris thinks he shouldn't shudder and gasp at the realization that Adam actually  _can_  and god, the things he missed with Katy. And Adam's touching them now, just Adam, and he knows enough about this that Kris can't do anything but moan and cry out and then Adam's at his throat again and he can't  _do_  that.

But he can, because he's scratching again, too, and Kris thinks that Adam really doesn't do anything halfway and he has no idea how to convey what Adam's doing to him so he bites at Adam's throat and thinks from his snarl that he gets it, maybe.

And Kris would be ashamed of himself, coming quick and wet and  _loud,_ but Adam kisses him through it and comes like that too and Kris thinks it's too late to be shy.

\---

Adam cleans them up and moves them to Kris' bed and Kris listens to his heartbeat and revels, maybe a little, in the fact that he can drape himself mostly over Adam and listen to heart beating and lungs breathing and voice purring and not feel guilty about the poor person squished under him. But he wants to know why Adam, so free and easy and unworried, wouldn't tell him this, and he can't blame him when Adam points out the one thing Kris has been trying to wish undone.

But Adam's a bigger person than anyone he's every met, because he's says and  _means_ that he'll wait for him (though Kris doesn't think he's worth waiting  _for_ , not really) and Kris promises himself that he'll make himself earn that regard and appreciation and, he thinks,  _love._


End file.
